It was Friday, but Sunday was coming.

So I have lots and lots and lots and lots annnnnd lots to write about!

It's Easter Break, so obviously I had to do something interesting. I decided that going to Tennessee to visit my grandmother (who just had a minor heart surgery) and my best friend (who just had her baby) would suffice. My dad came with me.

Grandma's good, that wasn't really interesting (hate to sound mean or anything..) but seeing Danielle was amazing! And just being back in Knoxville in general was nice too. The baby's name is Amelia Marie, and she's beautiful and tiny. When wrapped up in her blanket, she looked like a little burrito :) I didn't stay very long because Amelia was only 3 days old and I'm sure they all needed a rest, but I'm still glad I got to see all of them again!

While being back in Knoxville was nice, it was also kind of sad. I know that city isn't very safe, and from hearing stories from Danielle, the kids are getting more and more sketch. I've been to a few concerts with her there and hung around the city, and I can almost guarantee that I would have been hanging with the wrong crowd and would haven gotten in some trouble at some point. My dad, grandma, and I were driving around the city looking for somewhere she had to be, and we kept passing the Juvenile Court. It was pretty ominous, and I got this strange feeling that, had we stayed in Knoxville, I would have known someone that had gone there or I, myself, would have been there. Scary thoughts.

Anyways, later that night I went to sleep and had the most terrifying, almost lucid dream. I was walking around some worn down sort of warehouse buildings with my old friend Seth, who I haven't talked to in forever. We met up with a group of people who I recognized as all the people I used to hang out with in high school. Mark was there, Izzy, Carlos, and some other people I didn't know as well. Side note from the dream- A couple months ago, Carlos, who I wasn't very good friends with, but knew, committed suicide. I'm not sure how or why, but he's dead. We were all talking and doing some relatively illegal things, and their was an uncomfortable air around the group. All of a sudden, Carlos pulls out a knife, grabs me, and holds it up to my throat. Everyone's shocked, but too scared to really do anything. They try to talk him out of his state of anger, and he throws me to the ground and slits his own throat. At that point everyone is completely in shock. Seth and Mark take me away, and that's all I really remember. I have no idea why he did what he did in the dream, but I couldn't stop thinking about it the whole next day- each time being just as scared and upset. I would love to figure out what it means...

On to a much happier note... It's Easter today! The family went to Verizon Wireless Amphitheater for church with Mecklenburg Community Church, and it was FANTASTIC. Great sermon, great worship, and tons of people were there. We originally decided to go because the band NEEDTOBREATHE was playing a concert afterwards (I recently worked on their music video for "Girl Named Tennessee" and not only was the music good, but the guys were really down to earth and easy to talk to). A few things stuck out to me during the service:

1) "It was Friday, but Sunday was coming." No matter what sucks in life right now (in the apostle's time, Jesus dying) there's always hope. Something will change and good will come (Ya know, Jesus rose from the dead 3 days later... i don't know what could be better than that...)

2) Forgiveness is what God's all about. Peter, who lived his whole life for Christ, DENIED that he even knew who the man was not once, but three times. Kind of a slap in the face to God. But when he saw Jesus again, Christ didn't say that he should be sorry or what he did was terrible or that it shouldn't happen again, he asked him "Do you love me?" three times and told him to watch over his sheep. Talk about forgiveness.

3) Two song lyrics came into mind during the service (sometimes I get a little distracted, it happens). The first one was "I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." This is an important line to (obviously, since I've written about it before). It reflects the idea of forgiveness- God still loves you no matter what you've done wrong, and he's willing to forgive you, but first you have to pick yourself up from the place you're at and forgive yourself. The other line was "The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair." People complain about how unfair life is ALL the time. But in reality, do we really deserve everything we have? I know I don't. I do things wrong all the time, but I'm surrounded with things I don't need, the most supporting family and friends, and a life that has so much potential. Because God has so much grace for us humans who forget just who we are sometimes, I'm given everything that I don't deserve. Life really isn't fair. (Thanks Switchfoot and Relient K for those lyrics)

4) Thinking about my future, sometimes I think it might be impossible for me to ever fall in love and get married with everything I want to do. But as I've learned from before, I'm sure God will find some funny way to prove me wrong. So I was thinking about that kind of person I want to marry. Is he funny? Relaxed? Always on the Go? Do looks matter? The answer to any of those, I don't know. It all sort of started at the music video shoot. All of the guys, especially the lead singer, Bear Rinehart, were such great people! I met the wife of Bo, Bear's brother, and I couldn't think of another person that I would rather be like. She's nice, fun, and I talked to her throughout the whole day. Now It's not like I have a crush on any of these individual people, but I could definitely see myself with a person who has a personality like theirs. Then the worship band had a few guys that were a little older than me. The idea of a Christian guy my age is something that is super attractive to me. The lead singer cried during one of the songs, which kind of supported my want of a Christian guy for my future husband. This all sounds really lame, I know. But I hope that someday I'll be the lucky wife of a man like that.

So that was the excitement of my Easter weekend. It was kind of depressing at first, but I have so much hope for my future, that the past isn't as intimidating as it used to seem.

Aeon

So I've been in speed mode for writing poetry for my creative writing class lately. Here's another one called Aeon:

A clock tics and tocs, hanging on a wall.

Counting numbers,

Circling around,

Keeping time.

It will never falter in its duty

To protect seconds, minutes, hours.

It will slow down for no one,

And go faster for nothing.

Time can feel safe in the clock,

For it is eternally faithful to Chronos.

But if Zeus so desires to paralyze the time teller,

All is not lost,

Because somewhere there is another clock

Continuing on with its responsibility.

Castle Made of Sand

There once was a girl in a yellow dress

Who played in the sand and sea at the beach.

She made castles with buckets and shovels

Using shells and coral to decorate.

When it was done and built to perfection,

She walked through the detailed arches and streets

With a tour-guide sand crab leading the way.

She raced the mote with fast, colorful fish,

And played with acrobatic seahorses.

The mid-day thunder stole her dreamland away.

Dreamland

Lately I've been dealing a lot with dreams in school. I had to write one down for my Creative Writing class, and we're talking about consciousness in Psychology. Last night I had a really strange, lucid dream. I'm not sure how I feel about lucid dreams, they're cool being able to control them and all, but once I wake up I always want to go back in. So anyways, here's last nights dream-

I don't remember what happened during the first half, just that it was like an average day. The beginning of what I remember was me walking up a paved hill at dusk, I'm pretty sure it was in Arlington Cemetery in Washington D.C. It was April 25th according to my phone. As I was walking, I saw a lot of teenage/college age kids. some of which I thought I recognized. They seemed to be going the same way I was, so I just continued on. I reached a building at the top and walked up a couple flights of stairs. I had somewhere I was going, but I'm not really sure where. The other kids were going the same way with their bouquets of flowers, so I decided to follow them. When we got to the room at the top of the building, there were a bunch of other people the same age as me. I looked around to see if I knew anybody, and I did. I saw the back of Mark. There was this feeling of anxiety and confusion, so I moved closer. He turned around and I was speechless. There was his infamous smile and long, blonde hair. It couldn't be real, just and illusion, so I reached out to touch him- he was solid. I ran into the biggest hug I could possibly give, and he was laughing. We went into this conference room type thing away from the crowd. After a few more moments of disbelief I started telling him everything that I wanted to say to him since I last saw him. How I wished our friendship could have been repaired faster, and how I regret how I was always too busy to see him and just chill. He said that he felt the same way but there was nothing to do about it now. I don't remember much else that was said, but he said that he was always with me. It was getting pretty late and there was this unspoken feeling that it was time to leave. I leaned into another hug and told him that I loved him. Despite this miracle, I knew it was the last time I'd see him. As I walked out of the room and down the hallways, I looked at him through the glass window for as long as I could. I walked the roads of the cemetery crying until I woke up.

I woke up feeling happy and sad. Such a terrible feeling. I felt like he was there with me the whole time, I know the he will continue to be with me, and I felt some sort of closure after saying everything I regret not telling him to a figure that felt so solid. I still miss and love you, Mark, and I can't wait until the day I really do see you and get to say everything in person.

I went to Durham the other day.

Two days ago to be exact.

Anyways, I hate driving. I always get frustrated and bored and restless, so it just isn't enjoyable to me.

But while I was on I-85 to go visit my best friend, I looked to my left and saw a man driving by himself. I don't know what it was about him, but there was something that just scared me. Not like a scary scared, don't get me wrong, but I saw myself like him in 15 years or so.

He had a straight face, scruffy hair, average car, but he just didn't look happy.

I'm not sure what my biggest fear is, but a big one is ending up like how I envisioned him. Just living to live.

I have all of these things I want to do with my life- Get a degree in film production, live in Australia, travel the world (cliché, I know), fall in love, et cetera et cetera.

But I have this nagging fear that I won't do any of them. Maybe I'll be too scared of change, maybe something will happen that prohibits it, but something will change in my life and make me avoid my dreams.

And as a result, I will end up like this man. Have a job I only enjoy a little bit. Live in a place I don't really want to live. Never cross the border of the States. Maybe even settle for a boy that doesn't make me fully happy or fully understand me. Pretty much just live life to live it.

THIS THOUGHT IS TERRIFYING. To the point that I have actually lost sleep on the occasional night.

Lately I've just been feeling like I'm stuck in a rut with my life. I'm stagnant and unchanging. I've settled on things that I've always told myself I wouldn't, and I want that to change.

I'm not too sure how that will happen, but I'm going to find out and take action on my life.

Not too relevant, but kind of reflects how I've been feeling lately. I heard this at church yesterday:

"We are broken people in desperate need of a God who hears us, who cares, and can do anything."

Graduation

It's supposed to be a day I'll remember for

the rest of my life, right?

Well maybe I will...or won't. But either way I'll remember

everything I learned in the past 13 years.

I'll remember new homes and friends, happiness and laughter,

and bitterness and pain.

Now I'm out of Robinson for good, haven't decided on a school yet, and officially have all of my debt paid off. I don't belong anywhere or have an obligation to do anything. It's very freeing. Today was the beginning of another summer with a kickoff of spending quality time with quality friends. And then of course there was the quality family time :) I'm so blessed to have them. But aside from the lightheartedness of the occasion, there was some despair. Yesterday there was a car accident after the Concord High graduation. A junior was killed and her friend was injured. It reminded me of Mark. I refuse to get all sad or depressed or anything, because doing so will not get me anywhere. I did wear the glowstick bracelet from his funeral to there ceremony, though. It's almost like a good luck charm in a slightly twisted way. It's nice knowing that he's still with me as I celebrate. As I was driving home I noticed all of the memories that are held in this city, and it was strange having this much history in one place. I'm ready to begin moving forward with my life to hopefully make a difference in someone elses.

Clarity

Lately life has just been a blur. Well, it has been for a while now. But this week has been different; I've seen everything more clearly. On Tuesday I was driving home from the band concert and couldn't take my eyes off the tree tops. The precision of the branches was fantastic. I could not only see clearly, but could feel the wind brushing every part of my body, could hear the birds and the crickets singing. I felt fully alive for the first time in a long time. And then today I was walking to my car and saw a dragon fly. It was a beautiful amber color and moved so smoothly. Now that probably sounds super weird, but it made me notice how much of God's creation I've been taking for granted. Then feeling these remind me of who I was three years ago, and it almost makes me want to go back. I want to be completely clear and alive!

"Don't just walk into the wind with your mouth open expecting it to do all the work."

-Mark Z.