Graduation

It's supposed to be a day I'll remember for

the rest of my life, right?

Well maybe I will...or won't. But either way I'll remember

everything I learned in the past 13 years.

I'll remember new homes and friends, happiness and laughter,

and bitterness and pain.

Now I'm out of Robinson for good, haven't decided on a school yet, and officially have all of my debt paid off. I don't belong anywhere or have an obligation to do anything. It's very freeing. Today was the beginning of another summer with a kickoff of spending quality time with quality friends. And then of course there was the quality family time :) I'm so blessed to have them. But aside from the lightheartedness of the occasion, there was some despair. Yesterday there was a car accident after the Concord High graduation. A junior was killed and her friend was injured. It reminded me of Mark. I refuse to get all sad or depressed or anything, because doing so will not get me anywhere. I did wear the glowstick bracelet from his funeral to there ceremony, though. It's almost like a good luck charm in a slightly twisted way. It's nice knowing that he's still with me as I celebrate. As I was driving home I noticed all of the memories that are held in this city, and it was strange having this much history in one place. I'm ready to begin moving forward with my life to hopefully make a difference in someone elses.

Clarity

Lately life has just been a blur. Well, it has been for a while now. But this week has been different; I've seen everything more clearly. On Tuesday I was driving home from the band concert and couldn't take my eyes off the tree tops. The precision of the branches was fantastic. I could not only see clearly, but could feel the wind brushing every part of my body, could hear the birds and the crickets singing. I felt fully alive for the first time in a long time. And then today I was walking to my car and saw a dragon fly. It was a beautiful amber color and moved so smoothly. Now that probably sounds super weird, but it made me notice how much of God's creation I've been taking for granted. Then feeling these remind me of who I was three years ago, and it almost makes me want to go back. I want to be completely clear and alive!

"Don't just walk into the wind with your mouth open expecting it to do all the work."

-Mark Z.

That Feeling

Have you ever felt the worst feeling in the world?

Well it starts out with a "pang," and you can't breathe.

And then there's the feeling at the base of your sternum and in your stomach; you want to cry, scream, hit- anything to make it go away. You can't talk because of the lump in your throat.

Then you go numb. Your arms, legs, head; all feeling is gone.

To sum it up, that's pain.

Everyone has a different cure to try to counteract the pain.

For me, I like to drive to places I've never been.

I drive fast hoping to focus on something else when really, there's no way to get rid of it.

It's been said that "Time heals all pain," but in reality it only stifles it.

You may not feel anything for awhile, but at one moment everything will flood back.

And that pain will be even worse than you could have ever imagined.

Where's the love you need to feel at that moment?

Dear Marek Zacharewicz,

God, it took me weeks to remember how to spell your first name. And I still can't even pronounce your last. I can't even begin to remember all of the memories; all I know is that your name is littered all over my journal talking about all of the crazy stuff we've done. You called last night and asked me if I wanted to go to church with you today. I said I couldn't because I had to help out at mine, but I cannot describe how happy I was to hear you say those words. It's been close to three years, and I'm not going to claim we were best friends, but I could tell you everything and know you would at least try to understand. And every time I saw you I couldn't help but smile or laugh. I do know that you're with Jesus and God, and honestly I'm freaking jealous! You were one of the happiest, weirdest, and most loving people I've ever been blessed to play in a drum circle with. Why you had to leave now, I don't know if I'll ever understand. But what I do know is that I will see you when it's my time :) I never got the chance to say this to you in person, but I love you and am so proud of the transformation you've made since I first met you on April's kitchen floor. This is only goodbye for a while :)

The Secret Life of...Everyone

Before I start I am going to say that I don't think that anybody I directly or indirectly mention in this blog is a bad person.

Today I found out that a little girl I have been teaching for about a year has a life that no one would have suspected. She is one of the cutest, happiest girls I have ever met. In a nutshell, her mom and dad split when she was really young, her mom and step dad were into a lot of things that they shouldn't have, and he was often in and out of jail. It's crazy to think that a child even knows about that stuff, let alone has it around them constantly. To me, children are the most genuine people in existence. They are innocent and untainted. But if they are surrounded by everything that's wrong, how can we expect them to grow up and become good people? It's a scary thought. Because of this story, I'm challenging myself to learn more about people and know their story.

I didn't only want to talk about the little girl, but also about her parents. They remind me of a lot of my friends; they always partied and didn't care about anything but having a good time. This fact is the one that scares me most. I'm scared to find out how many of my friends are going to get hurt, physically or emotionally, before they decide it's not worth it. The two adults, though, made a big impact on me when they spoke. Yeah, they did do things that they weren't proud of, but they also did something that most people wouldn't be able to do. They realized how messed up their lives were and did something to fix them. One of them ended up needing to go to jail to figure their life out, and the other just needed time away from the other. But what they both needed was guidance, in this case, a book called The Purpose Driven Life. Now I don't know them very well, but I would love to say that they are people that I look up to and that I'm extremely proud of.

One last thought I had today was about my future. I've always tried to put myself around people who will make me want to be a better person, and usually they do. But lately, it seems harder and harder to find these people. I've always envisioned myself with another person who will not only help me grow in God, but who will be there for accountability. With all the changes in my life and relationships lately, that vision seems to be becoming dimmer. So here's the thought- what if I'm supposed to be the person I envisioned myself with? What if I'm the one who is supposed to help the ones around me grow and want to be better people? What If I'm the one who's supposed to make a difference?

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

Self-Esteem. It's a funny, terrifying, important, fascinating, judgmental little thing. Never once in my life have I ever felt the need to do something because somebody asked me to or because of someones opinion of me. Peer Pressure? I honestly couldn't tell you what it feels like. But lately I've felt compelled to become someone different. I've asked myself "What if I'm missing out on something? Why can't I be completely care-free like every other teenager?" Faith is my reason for most of the way I live, and I do have my faults, but why does it have to be so hard for people like me, people who have morals, who have a reason, and who just appear to be different to just be accepted by society? Plenty of kids say their normal, and plenty of kids say they're the polar opposite and don't fit in, which splits society into two groups: The Average and The Misfits.

The Average:
Those kids who seem to have everything going for them. They fit in, have friends, and people just understand them. They do what they want and what others expect of them. They definitely have their difficulties in life, but it's not usually the end of the world. Their comfort eventually comes back. They are The Majority.

The Misfits:
The other group who claims they don't fit in anywhere, that they're not like the average. Ironically, they're usually found in large posses looking and acting "strange" to the average. Are they really that alone with all the others surrounding them?

Where do I fit into? Good question. That's why I'm writing this. I have a good life, I'm loved. But can I say that I act like everyone else? Not really. I have a different set of boundaries than other people seem to expect from me. I don't claim to be alone or to be "different," but sometimes it's hard to find people who understand who I am. I guess I'm just a one of the few who doesn't fit into society. With all of the new experiences coming up, I just wish to find people to surround myself with that will help make me a better person.